PinkBlush Maternity {collab}

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Photography: Rachael Houser Photography

I was so excited when Pinkblush reached out to me again to do a collaboration with this pregnancy. I have been really into maxi dresses lately and I knew that they had some good ones that I could wear now with layering and then into the spring.

I picked this gorgeous navy maxi that is extremely comfortable. The fabric is like butter it’s so soft! I thought the little ties on the sleeves just made it more unique. Plus it has pockets! This dress would be perfect for maternity portraits.

My flower crown was donated by the wonderful Rocia. She actually decorated for my wedding almost three years ago this June. She has since helped with my daughters baby shower and first birthday party. I highly recommend her for anyone getting married or planning an event. She has always worked within my budget and goes above and beyond ever time.

Birthday Gifts Girl {one year old}

 

I always turn to Pinterest when it comes to buying gifts for birthdays; I try to find an age appropriate but really cool toy. Since we just celebrated Teagan’s first birthday in May, I’m going to share some gift ideas for a one year old girl.

I honestly wanted to get Teagan a play kitchen for her birthday, but we’re going to save that for Christmas, because of course I want the expensive one from Pottery Barn with the farmhouse sink! But… it matches her room and I think she will play with it for years to come!

Ball Pit

I’ve had so many people ask me where we got this. I actually saw it on one of the mommy bloggers I follow and I knew that’s what we had to get her. It stays in her room and matches perfectly.

 

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Cozy Coupe Princess Edition

Teagan’s Aunt Donna bought this for her. She really likes playing outside with this. I do think she’s probably still a little young for it, but it’s something she will grow into!

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Wooden Name Puzzle from Etsy

This is one of my favorite things she got for Christmas last year. She loves to pull all the letters out. It’s really cute in her room and will be educational once she starts to learn colors and letters.

 

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Bath Toy

We received this from some of our friends who have a little girl about a year older than Teagan, so they knew she would love it…and she does! She likes bath time anyway, but to have a spout that runs the whole time is awesome.

 

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Baby Stella

I would’ve never imagined that Teagan would like baby dolls so early, but she does. I can tell her to go get her baby and she does it every time. She also will pat the baby like she’s burping her and its the sweetest thing!

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D&C {our second anniversary}

 

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Our second wedding anniversary.

We dropped Teagan off early that morning with my in-laws. Our appointment with the specialist was at 7:15 am. My sister, Kelly, met us in the waiting room. I lost it.

They took us back and I spoke with a nurse practitioner, who explained that they would do another ultrasound. I just watched the screen the whole time, I knew this would be the last time I would see my baby. The tech kept asking if me if I was ok, and I was fine. We went back into the patient room and the nurse practitioner told us that the tech believed he had “ACRANIA,”which is what they had told us the previous Friday. They told us that they would send my scans on to the specialist and that I would hear from him before my surgery took place. We left the hospital and got Mr. B breakfast, then headed back to wait for surgery. I waited with Harrison, my sister Kelly, and my preacher for what seemed like forever as the Doctor put his orders in.  I felt like I was ok during this whole time; I was still in shock. Right before they took me for surgery, my brother-in-law, Matt, who also works at the hospital, came to see me. I don’t know why, but I tried so hard to not cry in front of him. Once he left, I was all alone in the room and just completely lost it. The anesthesiologist came over as I was crying and asked how far along I was. I told her I was 14 weeks.

When they took me from surgery back into the waiting roomand I saw Mr. B, I couldn’t help but cry again. My nurse told me that this same thing had happened to her, but with her first baby, and now she has four kids.

 

And just like that, I wasn’t pregnant anymore.

For the first week after our miscarriage, I had sad moments, but nothing overwhelming.  I was still in shock. I felt like it didn’t really happen.

Then it hit me, and it hit me hard. I cried a lot. I was sad. I was mad. I was annoyed. I was angry. I was grieving the loss of our child.

Gender Reveal Day

I scheduled a gender peek ultrasound with our local Baby Bumps the day that I would be 14 weeks pregnant. I wanted to keep our gender reveal small since this was our second baby, so only our parents and my siblings would be attending. I hadordered balloons from Amazon, they were sitting on our kitchen table when we left that morning. I had a pink dress picked outfor myself, a blue shirt for Mr. B, and Teagan’s pink and blue dress hanging in our closets, ready for us to change into for the big reveal. I even posted one of our announcement photos to social media asking people to cast their vote- pink or blue.

 

Since Mr. B had worked the night before, he was a little tired,but we were both excited to find out the gender. He even wore a blue shirt to the ultrasound! We were hoping for a boy, buthonestly but I was totally fine with a girl again. We were a little early for our appointment, so we stopped by Dunkin’ Donuts and grabbed some iced coffee, then we headed to Baby Bumps. I remember being so nervous and excited that morning. We walked in, and I snapped the sign and posted it to my social media. We took Teagan with us to the ultrasound.

 

We all went in to the room and she started the ultrasound, but didn’t really say much… I expected her to say, “it’s a boy” or “it’s a girl,” but I just thought that maybe she couldn’t tell since it was so early. Mr. B was messing with Teagan because she was a hot mess. Then, she turned off the big screen and said that she wanted to look closer for the gender… I honestly didn’t think anything about it. Then she turned the screen back on and asked, “do you see that?” I had no idea that anything could potentially be wrong, so I asked if it was a girl because I couldn’t see anything. She replied that the baby was a boy and then very slowly labeled the leg and then the boy parts, but she wasn’t happy or excited about it. Then, she told me she was going to have to contact my doctor.   I immediately panicked and asked if something was wrong; she confirmed that there was a problem with the baby, but I knew that she couldn’t tell us just what it was. I immediately went into melt down mode and completely lost it.

 

We left Baby Bumps in tears and practically ran to put Teagan in the car, dropped her off with my in-laws, and then headed to the hospital. I had sent a text to my sister, Keisha (who works at the hospital) that something was wrong and I needed her to meet me at our doctor’s office. When we finally made it to the office doors, Keisha was there waiting. We walked in and I was expecting a waiting room full of people, but thankfully everyone was at lunch. There were two people behind the front desk (one of them was Noel, a Godsend that I’ll share more about her in a later post). They knew without me saying a word that Baby Bumps had called, and opened the door, immediately taking me back to the ultrasound room. Two techs were in the ultrasound room for a few minutes with us before my doctor came in. Remember- at this point we didn’t know what was exactly wrong, only that something was. The techs completed the scan, and Dr. Savells looked at it…

We were told that the baby had no skull and they couldn’t tell how much or if any brain was present at all; basically his forehead to the back of his neck was missing. We were told thisrare condition was fatal and non-compatible with life. After talking more with my doctor, we decided to see a specialist first thing Monday morning, and if they confirmed what we were told, I would have surgery.

 

After we left the hospital, we went to get Teagan and tell Mr. B’s parents. I think my body was in shock because I didn’t cry when told them what the prognosis was, and everyone was crying. It had to have been my body’s way of protecting itself. I called my mom and told her over the phone; I sent a text to my other sister. At the time I didn’t want anyone else to know what was going on. I ended up posting on my Facebook just because I had so many people messaging me about the gender.

 

Once we got home, I took a nap and afterwards called a few of my close friends and told them what was going on.  Still no tears. It really just felt like that morning had happened in slow motion and nothing but a bad dream. I put the balloons that were on the table in a drawer. I hung our gender reveal outfits back up. I just went through the motions for the rest of the day. I remember giving Teagan a bath that night before bed, and she got out of the tub and hugged me…and I just hugged her and cried. I prayed that God would not let what was happening to me happen to her one day. I don’t ever want her to feel the pain that I was feeling.

 

That weekend went by pretty slowly, and I actually went to a birthday party Saturday for my best friend’s little boy. I wanted to feel as normal as I could, and it was fine. I knew everyone there, and since it was a small party, I didn’t get stressed out.  Fortunately no one asked about or mentioned anything about our baby. I met with our preacher that weekend just to talk to someone about everything that was happening. I spoke with my Doctor a few times over the weekend, too. I’m so incrediblythankful for her. I trust her with my life and my babies lives.

This is our ultrasound from Baby Bumps that day. Even though I know something is wrong here I see perfect and I know that our son is perfect waiting for us in Heaven.

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First Trimester {third pregnancy}

Symptoms:

After our ultrasound at baby bumps my nerves were calmed a little bit, but I was still anxious to hear that little heart beat and praying for morning sickness. I’d heard if you have morning sickness, it’s a sign of a strong pregnancy. Even though it’s probably just an old wives tale, I wanted to be sick…

And just like that, at a little past six weeks, I got my wish. The first time I noticed it, I was changing one of Teagan’s dirty diapers and I couldn’t even get a new one on her before I was running with her naked butt to the bathroom; Teagan stood at the door and laughed at me getting sick! The sickness continued but wasn’t horrible…most often I would get sick and be fine after it was over. We went on vacation and I got sick multiple times that week, but driving on the way there and on the way home was definitely the worst.

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Then my back starting hurting. This happened with Teagan, too,but it didn’t start with her till I was about 14 weeks along. I’m not sure if it was because I was carrying her a lot or just chasing a toddler in general, but it was really painful, and I’m honestlynot one to complain about pain. I told SO many people that I hoped the baby was a boy, because I’m not doing this again.

Cravings:

I craved Mexican food just like when I was pregnant with Teagan. I couldn’t get enough of the bean and cheese burrito from our local restaurant. Even the thought of eating it now turns my stomach, after everything that’s happened. I also had a super strong aversion to sweets.

8 weeks:

At my 8 week appointment we had an ultrasound first, and everything was fine.  Baby’s heart rate was a strong 176. After that, we saw my nurse practitioner, and I’ll never forget her words, especially now. She told us that based on statistics, how far along I was, and how strong the baby’s heart rate was, the chances of something happening were 1%. She said “this is a go,this IS happening.” After that I had no thoughts that something would go wrong…

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This was one of my only bump pictures. I was 13 weeks here and I could tell my stomach was starting to get hard and I could feel that “full” feeling.

 

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This was our pregnancy announcement we used for social media. I was so happy with the way they turned out. It could not have been more perfect.

Rachael Houser Photography

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